A Dawg's Perspective

5th Kyu

2010-03-17T18:38:00.004-05:00

That's right. Last night, two of my peeps tested for 5th kyu in Aikido - that's yellow belt with a stripe.

They passed with flying colors, despite all cries of outrage from those assembled, and my own disgruntled annoyance at once again being left behind. Blue belts, brown belts, even one shodan... they all fell to Shomenuchi Kotegaeshi, Katatetori Sankyo, Yokomenuchi Sokumen Iriminage, etc.

When my peeps got home from the dojo, the rest of us had to grease their heads so they could get them through the front door. Personally, new belts don't impress me. I think they all look like chew toys. Grrrr.

"Hence the skillful fighter puts himself into a position which makes defeat impossible, and does not miss the moment for defeating the enemy."
- Sun Tzu

Insert Standard Disclaimer Here

2010-02-24T11:02:00.003-06:00

"The fact that to date software vendors have for the most part not been held responsible in court cases for damages experienced due to bugs in their code is appaling. This precedent is in my mind the single greatest enabler of bug-infested coding on the part of vendors."
-- Eugene Schultz, SANS

What's "appalling" is the way we point fingers and assign blame in this country, rather than trying to fix the problem.

Of course, application vendors release software with bugs. Show me one piece of software, running anywhere, written by anyone (including security programming "experts") that is bug-free, even security-bug-free, and I'll eat my hat.

However, consider how many software-related security breaches have nothing whatsoever to do with the code involved, but with poor decision making. Bad passwords, unencrypted laptops, and unrestricted database access are all virtually a cliche at this point.

Of course, application vendors must help fix the problem. They're the ones who create the software. "Liability" is something else again. It certainly sounds good to make them liable, and give the rest of us someone to blame, but we'll like the result even less than what we have now.

You know the legal climate these days. Even an accusation of wrongdoing can put a company out of business. Most such vendors will either get out while they can, or find a way to pass the blame on to the individual programmer. How would you personally like to be liable for a million-dollar breach?

Oh yes, I hear the excuses. "Well, if the vendors and programmers were any good, or if they only knew their jobs, or if they trained at SANS, or if they just did it right, liability would be no problem." I bet I can come to your job, and stand over your shoulder, and insist that you not make any mistakes, and watch you fold like a cheap suit. Who will write the code when the potential penalty for making a single mistake is your job and everything you own? Nobody.

"Nobody's going to quit. They'll just have to start doing it right." Sure they will, they'll find ways to avoid liability, but they won't ever create perfect software, because people make mistakes - even when they're trained not to, even when they're trying their best. Neither SANS training nor code reviews doth bug-free software make.

Can we find ways to improve security without creating penalties for those who are in the best position to fix them? Probably not. Should we be extremely careful what sort of penalties we choose, and how we throw around the assignment of "liability"? Definitely.

These days, everything is a sound byte, because most people refuse to do any independent thinking. Let's try to avoid reacting so emotionally, and tackle the problem of increasing security while mitigating risk without stifling creativity and innovation.

Ladies and gentlemen, risk is a part of life. There is no full, permanent security of any kind, software or otherwise. And there is no software perfection. Get used to it, because no liability or insurance law will change any of that.

The Dawg has spoken.

Wag This

2010-02-04T17:31:00.001-06:00

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
- Henry Wheeler Shaw

Undercover Brother

2009-11-23T18:44:00.001-06:00

Can you spot the undercover operative in this surveillance photo?

more Fail Dogs

More Relatives

2009-11-06T19:06:00.001-06:00

Here's another one of my little blessings. You can fill in the blanks for yourself:

more Fail Dogs

Relatives

2009-11-06T19:04:00.001-06:00

You know how there's always one in every crowd? Well, here's the one in my family:

more Fail Dogs

Dry and Windy

2009-09-30T22:57:00.001-05:00

I'm afraid so. My regular dry dog food is inexpensive and "nutritionally complete", but it gives me the wind sumthin' fierce. We're talkin' the silent-but-deadlies here.

It's embarassing. I can't even doze off anymore without setting off the radon detector. But what can I do? I'm a freakin' carnivore. Feed me actual meat and I'm fine. Feed me grain-based chow and I'm a gas-bag.

Desperate for a solution, my peeps bought me some of that dog food that looks like fake hamburger. I'm like hey, ever think about REAL hamburger? Too simple for 'em, I guess. Stuff ain't bad though. Even has some actual meat by-products and genuine animal fat, way down on the ingredients list.

Anyway, the new grub works like a charm. No more stealth bombs while I'm nappin'. Peeps are happy. I'm happy. Stuff ain't cheap though, so if you'd like to donate to the Pumpkin Dawg Fund for the Unfortunately Flatulent, let me know and I'll send ya the PayPal account info.

Believe me, you'll be glad you did.

Where Do Dogs Come From?

2009-09-10T08:34:00.001-05:00

Hobie has the poop (so to speak):

Where Do Dogs Come From?

Irritable Towel Syndrome

2009-08-31T23:41:00.002-05:00

Where does the towel end and the dog begin? This is the kind of thing that happens to dogs who are forced to take too many baths:

more Fail Dogs

Colleagues

2009-08-31T23:28:00.001-05:00

So, one of my peeps is pursuing her Master's in Sociology. She's tried to explain it to me, but as far as I can tell a pack is a pack - human or animal, large or small, it's all the same. And whoever heard of a degree in Dawg-ology?

Anyway, she came by to visit last weekend and brought one of her "colleagues". By the way, just how educated do you have to be before "coworker" turns into "colleague"? Never mind. I could tell right away this new person was extremely intelligent and possessed of good character and impeccable taste, based on her obvious infatuation with yours truly.

I know what you're thinkin'. The Dawg is fairly well-read and a sparkling conversationalist, yet a surprising number of these country bumpkins fail to fully appreciate my biting satire and rapier wit. Nevertheless, this perceptive personage has not only seen fit to follow the blog, but displayed sincere interest in the Toy of Great Density (always a good sign), and even smelled a bit like dog herself (I suspect there's a mastiff or some such around her place).

It's always nice to be appreciated, so I enjoyed the visit immensely, bestowing upon the lucky visitor the prestigious title of "honorary peep". I think my Sociology major was a bit nonplussed, but she's still my favorite "colleague" (don't tell nobody).

Aikidodos

2009-08-17T17:07:00.003-05:00

That's right, my peeps managed to slip off to yet another stupid freakin' all-day Aikido clinic last Saturday, and another is scheduled for this comin' Saturday. As usual, no one even asked The Dawg if I wanted to go.

Apparently though, the Dojo Cho (chief instructor) brought a giant American Mastiff to class, which proceeded to interrupt the Zazen session by strolling into the Zendo for a little Kinhin of his own. At least The Dawg would have had the manners to wait until things were a bit more active before sneakin' onto the mat.

Anyway, there was also Jo-awase (paired exercises with the short staff) and Jo-nage (throwing an opponent who tries to take the staff), as well as a number of Kokyunage techniques. Of course, I could've done any of that stuff with more grace than a Mastiff, but nobody cares.

Next weekend, they may even get to learn a little Japanese Calligraphy. So what? Big deal, I say. Who cares? Not me. No sirree. I've got better things to do.

<sigh>

Leeches and Catgut

2009-08-07T23:21:00.001-05:00

Stop for a minute, take a deep breath, and consider carefully:

Based on past history, do you honestly think government-sponsored health care can possibly be anything other than an unmitigated disaster, both functionally and financially, regardless of who sponsors it or what the details are?

Of course you don't. The Dawg has spoken.

Tater Dawg Too

2009-08-07T23:14:00.003-05:00

For you newbies out there, here is the official, Dawg-approved, two-step process for mastering the proper tater-chomp technique:

1. Assume a muzzle-ready position immediately to the right of the unsuspecting spud, nose crinkled slightly toward the object of your desire.

2. Ready, CHOMP! Make sure to engulf the tater completely, lest it flee to parts unknown.

Clear as Mud

2009-07-27T22:33:00.002-05:00

How do they get the air inside the bubble wrap?

If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st, which year would you say you were born in?

If the weather man says “it’s a 50% chance of rain” does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?

If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

Does anybody else get confused by stuff like this?

Dogs Are Like That Too

2009-07-25T16:41:00.002-05:00

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."
- Robert A. Heinlein in 'Time Enough for Love'

Bob was talkin' 'bout humans, but that's got The Dawg written all over it. Yep, that's me - multifaceted, multitalented, a real renaissance Dawg. To know me is to admire me.

Squirrel Fishing

2009-07-25T16:38:00.000-05:00

Now this is something that looks like fun.

Nobody Here But Us Chickens

2009-07-25T16:35:00.002-05:00

Did you see which way he went?

more Fail Dogs

Lest We Forget

2009-07-22T19:09:00.002-05:00

The Dawg thinks our collective backbone needs a bit of stiffening. What is this disturbing trend towards the abandonment of personal responsibility in favor of excuses and nursemaids?

Couple of reminders, folks:

"You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. You cannot help small men by tearing down big men. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. You cannot lift the wage-earner by pulling down the wage-payer. You cannot help the poor man by destroying the rich. You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than your income. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred. You cannot establish security on borrowed money. You cannot build character and courage by taking away men's initiative and independence. You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves."
- William Boetcker

"In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function. We make men without chests and expect of them virtue and enterprise. We laugh at honor and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the gelding be fruitful."
- C. S. Lewis

"Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves."
- William Pitt, Nov. 18, 1783

Confounders

2009-07-16T18:42:00.002-05:00

When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

What happens if a bee is allergic to pollen?

How do the police handcuff a man with only one arm?

If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule? See the paradox?

Double-Double

2009-07-16T18:38:00.003-05:00

Couple of my peeps had a wedding anniversary on Tuesday. Married 14 years on the 14th. As a basketball family, we like to say they earned a "double-double" this week.

In honor of the occasion, The Dawg would like to offer a couple of suitable quotes:

"In that book which is my memory, on the first page of the chapter that is the day when I first met you, appear the words, 'Here begins a new life.'"
- Opening line of La Vita Nuova, a book of verse by Dante Alighieri, 1295

"The greatest thing a Father can do for his children is to love their Mother."
- Harold B. Lee

Goodthink

2009-07-10T16:32:00.001-05:00

For far too long I've sat idly by, twiddling my paws and respecting the right of others to form thoughts and opinions independent of my own.

Well, no more. From now on, if you don't agree with the Dawg, you're 100% wrong. Furthermore, original thinking will not be tolerated - if you need an idea, I will provide you with one at my convenience.

Look, it's not that I'm rude or controlling, it's just that you're ignorant and insignificant. Who knows what would happen if everyone thought for themselves all the time? Chaos, man. You gotta go with your strengths, and thinkin' ain't one of 'em.

I'm glad that's settled. I feel better already, and now I can be sure you do too.

Gimme Some Sugar

2009-07-09T16:30:00.003-05:00

What is it with reptiles, anyway? This just ain't right.

Dawg Wins Nobel Peace Prize

2009-07-08T19:19:00.002-05:00

My favorite peep works at home. He's a programmer, although he thinks it's more dignified to say "software engineer". Whatever.

Anyway, sometimes I catch him frownin' over some problem and I bring him a sock to grab. Right away, he gets a big grin and we play tug-o-war for a minute or two, after which he forgets all about the frowny part.

So, my idea is this: the world would be a much better place if everyone would just play with dogs more. Seriously. Try it, you'll like it.

BTW, does the Nobel committee just send you a check, or is there a form to fill out, or somethin'?

Lemon Aid

2009-07-06T23:24:00.001-05:00

How come lemon washing liquid contains real lemons, but lemon juice contains artificial flavorings?

This smacks of some kind of conspiracy.

Obama-geddon

2009-07-06T23:04:00.001-05:00

Our forefathers did without sugar until the 13th century, without coal fires until the 14th, without buttered bread until the 16th, without tea or soup until the 17th, without gas, matches or electricity until the 20th.

Surely, then, we can do without Obama and his retarded minions.

Just the Dawg's 2¢.

Bite Me

2009-07-06T22:53:00.003-05:00

Say, I'd like to eat a little something. You got something? What you got? Any kind of food is good. I just want something to eat. You must got something. I ain't desperate or nothing like that. Don't think I'm begging. I'm just asking here. No pressure. I just want to eat something. Wondering if you had something maybe. No big deal.

You gotta have something. Please. What is that? A thing to eat? I think it might be.

I'm not that hungry. I just ate. I could take or leave it. Got a handful of hard seeds? I'll take them. Pour them on the ground or just hold them out. You kidding? That would be great. Sure would. Whatever you got, really. It don't even have to be seeds. I'll take anything. Don't worry about me. I'm easy. Hey, anything you got. I'll try it. I got a open mind.

You gonna eat that shoe? I'll eat that shoe if you're not gonna eat it.

Come on, what you got? I just want to know. I don't have to eat it. I'm just curious. In truth, there's a good possibility I'll eat it. But still. I want to know. If you got just a morsel of anything, I'd be obliged. If I knew you were good for a scrap once in a while, I'd probably come back to you for more food sometimes. You wouldn't mind that. Of course not. You're my buddy. The food-giver. That's what I'd call ya.

I bet you got a nice pant leg. Lemme chew a hole in it. I could chew it until you yanked it out of my mouth. If you don't mind. I'm telling you, I could use a little something to chomp on. I could wait, but what have you got? I don't care very much one way or the other. Come on, give me a break over here. I just want something to nibble on.

Hey! What's down there? A piece of bread? Let's see what we got. No... No, this is a rock. I'm not going to eat a rock. What do you think, I'm crazy?

You keeping a sandwich in your pocket for later? I'd be happy to eat it for you now. You don't even have to take it out of the bag. I'll eat the plastic and everything. Or tinfoil. Don't make no never mind to me. Do you got anything that I could put in my mouth for just a minute or two? Lemme know. I'll take it off your hands. No worries.

Do you have any trash? I'll eat trash. You were gonna throw it out anyway. Hey, lemme eat it. Lemme at least taste it. If it's no good to eat, I'll know. I hate to see it go to waste, is all.

Got a balled-up tissue? Some paper towels? Coffee filters? Grounds, perhaps? Some cardboard? Insulation? All that sounds good to me. Just about anything like that would hit the spot for me about now.

A piece of corn on the cob. That'd do me. You got that? Would you mind going and picking me a ear from the cornfield? I don't care if it is seed corn or sweet corn or feed corn. I don't care if it's too hard to chew. I'll just swallow it whole. Just swallow it down. Who cares? I don't. Seriously, go over and snatch me one of them ears of corn. I'll get you back. Maybe I could eat something else for you later, something maybe that you're not interested in eating. Or maybe something that you intend to only eat half of. I might be able to eat the rest of it for you.

I've tried about enough of the grass around here to last me a while. I'm sick of this grass. This damned same grass day in and day out, I could just about... I take that back. This grass is okay. I'll eat it. It's pretty good. It's great, actually. I mean, it's okay. Could you grab me a handful of weeds from the ditch? Don't bother shaking off the dirt! That's a waste of time! Just bring it over as is. Wave that near my mouth and it's going down the belly hatch. I am not joking. I'll eat weeds. Just watch me. You give me a rotten apple, and I will eat that whole thing, seeds and all. Tear off a piece of bark for me, and it's gone.

Hey, by the by... You got anything to eat? Don't go out of your way on my account. It's nothing, really—I don't need nothing. But if you got something, I'll eat it.

with apologies to the ONION

Scheduling Issues

2009-07-01T15:44:00.002-05:00

The Dawg says the problem with mornings is that they come so damned early in the day.

Can I get an Amen?

First Steps

2009-07-01T15:39:00.003-05:00

Dang Aikido stuff never ends. My peeps tested last night for their first promotion (7th Kyu) and passed with flyin' colors. To hear them tell it, the other students were flippin' and floppin' all over the place.

Now they think they're freakin' Steven Seagal 'cause they got a big stripe on their white belt. Hell, last time I flipped the cat, all I got was a big stripe on my butt.

Anyway, here's an example of the kinds of things they had to do for the test:

Aikido Belt Test 7th Kyu part I

Aikido Belt Test 7th Kyu part II

Automotive Anomalies

2009-06-29T16:44:00.001-05:00

How come car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides?

Do prison buses have emergency exits?

Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as you're following the direction of the traffic?

Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commercials that says "Not available in all states"?

Stuff like this keeps the Dawg awake at night.

Quotes For The Day

2009-06-29T16:37:00.002-05:00

"It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame."
- Oscar Wilde

"If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough."
- Mario Andretti

"If it weren't for Mom, we'd have to pee in the tea jug."
- Michael Merritt

Confusion Says

2009-06-23T13:04:00.002-05:00

If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If prunes are dehydrated plums, where does prune juice come from? Wouldn't it actually be plum juice?

How can something be "new" and "improved"? If it's new, what was it improving on?

Do bald people get Dandruff?

No Reason

2009-06-23T13:02:00.001-05:00

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."
- George Bernard Shaw

"I tried being reasonable, I didn't like it."
- Clint Eastwood

Money Belts

2009-06-21T22:19:00.002-05:00

Okay, the Dawg wants to know what's up with the mandatory freakin' seat belt law, anyway.

I mean:

motorcycle riders don't wear seat belts
bicycle riders don't wear seat belts
horseback riders don't wear seat belts
...etc.

Hey, but if you ride in one of those super-unsafe four-wheeled vehicles, you better wear a seat belt or they'll pull you over, fine your ass, and throw you in the clink with the freakin' drug dealers if you don't like it. What's up with that? Don't I have the right to take my life in my hands if I want to? Is this America or not?

And how about the latest, stricter version of the law. Of course, it's all about keeping you safe, and has nothing whatsoever to do with the $9.5 million in federal transportation funds the State can collect for enforcing it. That's just a coincidence, you know.

Really steams me up. Maybe we should all just wear money belts instead, so we can hand 'em over when the police stop us, and forget about this ridiculous song and dance. Does anybody really care if The Dawg wears a seat belt or not? Of course you don't.

Perplexing Quandaries

2009-06-17T08:56:00.000-05:00

Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?

Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

Do English people eat English muffins, or are they just called muffins?

Why does grape flavor smell and taste the way it does, when actual grapes don't smell or taste anything like that?

Can you blow up a balloon under water?

Aikido Madness

2009-06-17T08:54:00.001-05:00

Stop the madness! My peeps are obsessed with this Aikido stuff!

They spent three good playin' days last weekend at a martial arts seminar (no dogs invited, so bite me). The sessions were evenly split between Aikido and Iaido (traditional Japanese swordsmanship). Now they think they're freakin' Grandmasters or something, always talkin' in Japanese and tryin' to make me grab their wrist.

Big deal. I say real combat involves teeth. Am I right or what? Chompin', gnawin', rippin', tearin', that sort of thing. Leave those oriental pajamas in shreds, buddy. Grab my mouth.

Anyway, they had big fun, so I can't be too irritated. Looks like the new hobby is here to stay. I just hope they don't forget to play tug-o-war with the Dawg now and then.

Listing to Port

2009-06-11T23:34:00.002-05:00

"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience."
- C.S. Lewis

"So much of left-wing thought is a kind of playing with fire by people who don't even know that fire is hot."
- George Orwell

"There are some ideas so wrong that only a very intelligent person could believe in them."
- George Orwell

Imponderables Too

2009-06-11T23:24:00.001-05:00

When they ask you if you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but truth, what happens if you say "no"?

What's the difference between normal ketchup and fancy ketchup?

How fast do hotcakes sell?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Where do people in Hell tell other people to go?

Gas Bubbles

2009-06-09T12:53:00.000-05:00

Do the air bubbles that are created when you fart in water, smell when they pop?

Don't tell me you've never wondered about that.

McDawg's

2009-06-09T12:51:00.001-05:00

Hey, why don't they have fast food joints for dogs? You know, like an order of Cat Cakes and a side of Hush Puppies to go. Maybe have combo meals like Chicken Surprise, Bugs and Bones, Crap on a Stick, etc. And somethin' besides water to drink. The Dawg is awful freakin' tired of tap water and dirt balls for lunch.

On a related note, am I the only one that thinks it's weird that McDonald's doesn't sell hotdogs? Are they too low-quality for McD's notoriously-high standards, or what? If they did sell'em, I'd buy one. They could call it the Big Dog, or the McWeiner, or somethin'.

Okay, maybe not.

Divine Intervention

2009-06-08T18:48:00.000-05:00

Doesn't a lightning rod on top of a church show a lack of faith?

Hey, don't shoot the messenger.

Gun Dawg

2009-06-08T18:45:00.002-05:00

The Dawg likes firearms. Shooting, tinkering, what have you.

The Dawg also believes in the Second Amendment, and thinks "an armed society is a polite society" (Heinlein).

There's a lot of crappy websites out there, so I thought I'd pass along a few good links:
Gunblast.com
Shooting with Hobie
SixGuns.com
LeverGuns.com

For the Birds

2009-06-07T22:05:00.002-05:00

Now, this is what The Dawg looks for in a bird - obedience.

Subservient Chicken

Loophole

2009-06-07T19:18:00.001-05:00

If a stripper gets breast implants, can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?

(ah don't care who y'are, dat's funny right dare)

Baths

2009-06-05T18:48:00.002-05:00

Let's get something straight. The Dawg hates baths.

Don't get me wrong. I like splashin' in mud puddles almost as good as clotheslinin' the cat. And I love to swim. But baths are bogus, and they make you smell bad to boot.

I mean, what's the point? How long am I really gonna smell like freakin' lilac before I'm back outside, rollin' in crap to get rid of the awful stench? And it makes me itch worse than the fleas.

You know you can't hunt anything either, smellin' like Irish Spring. And the other dogs all laugh at me:

"There goes the little bath bitch."
"Manly, yes, but I like it too".

They think they're hilarious. Grrrr.

Can't we just agree to disagree? Buy me a wadin' pool or somethin', and I'll rinse off before I come in the house.

Just no more stinky baths. Phew.

The Price of Freedom

2009-06-04T09:19:00.001-05:00

"The price of freedom is the willingness to do sudden battle anywhere, any time and with utter recklessness."
- Robert Heinlein

Imponderables

2009-06-04T09:16:00.001-05:00

What is the speed of dark?

Which way does a compass point in space?

If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?

Do woodpeckers get headaches?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

Answers, people! I need answers!

The Power of the Dog

2009-06-03T18:37:00.002-05:00

There is sorrow enough in the natural way
From men and women to fill our day;
But when we are certain of sorrow in store,
Why do we always arrange for more?
Brothers and sisters, I bid you beware
Of giving your hearts to a dog to tear.

Buy a pup and your money will buy
Love unflinching that cannot lie -
Perfect passion and worship fed
By a kick in the ribs or a pat on the head.
Nevertheless it is hardly fair
To risk your heart for a dog to tear.

When the fourteen years that nature permits,
Are closing in asthma, or tumor, or fits,
And the Vet's unspoken prescription runs
To lethal chambers or loaded guns,
Then you will find - it's your own affair
But - you've given your heart to a dog to tear.

We've sorrow enough in the natural way
When it comes to burying Christian clay.
Our loves are not given, but only lent
At compound interest of cent per cent,
For when debts are payable, right or wrong,
A short time loan is as bad as a long -
So why in Heaven (before we are there)
Should we give our hearts to a dog to tear?

When the body that lived at your single will,
When the whimper of welcome is stilled
(HOW STILL!)
When the spirit that answered your every mood
Is gone - wherever it goes - for good,
You soon discover how much you care,
And give your heart to a NEW dog to tear.

RUDYARD KIPLING

Anti-Gravity

2009-06-01T09:55:00.001-05:00

If cats always land on their feet, and toast always lands butter-side down, what happens if you strap buttered toast to the back of a cat? Would it just hover?

Am I the first one to think of this?

Just a Dog

2009-06-01T09:53:00.001-05:00

Submitted for your consideration:

Baxter Black - Just a Dog

Mighty Dawg

2009-05-31T14:51:00.000-05:00

"There exist mighty dogs, the dangerous kind who take hold of your heart and do not let go."
- Vicki Hearne

Quite so. In particular, let it be known that The Dawg has been declared mighty indeed.

Dawg Tired

2009-05-31T14:49:00.001-05:00

Why do people say, “you’ve been working like a dog” when dogs just sit around all day?

Is it some kind of joke? The Dawg is not amused.

Cubes

2009-05-30T17:48:00.001-05:00

Cubes is good fer Dawgs. Ice cubes, you know. In the water bowl, when it's hot outside.

Cold and crunchy, that's the way I like 'em. My peeps get popsicles, I get cubes. It's a fair deal.

They're plenty fun. You can bob for 'em in the bowl, like apples. Get 'em out, and they slide around the floor where you can chase 'em. Slick little suckers, too.

Not to mention great for coolin' you off. Yessir, nuthin' like cubes on a hot day. Try 'em on your Dawg sometime. They'll be glad you did.

Sundown

2009-05-29T08:59:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite songs, and really suits The Dawg's mood today:

Elton John - Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me

Just a man, a microphone, and a piano. Not much talent around like this anymore.

Head Scratchers

2009-05-28T08:32:00.001-05:00

Why are marbles called marbles when they're not made of marble?

At what temperature does something stop being cold and start being hot?

When you snap your fingers, does the sound occur when your middle finger releases from your thumb, or when your middle finger hits the palm of your hand?

See what I mean? If you think you're confused, imagine how it is for The Dawg.

Aikidog

2009-05-27T23:32:00.005-05:00

That's me. Hey, I can do this Aikido stuff. Why not take The Dawg to the dojo? I'm quick, I'm coordinated, and Lord knows I look good in a gi. What's the hold up?

Yeah, yeah, I'm short. Have you seen some of those Japanese guys, though? And my attention tends to wander a bit. Still, surely I can do as good as the old man. You'd think these martial arts folks would be open to new training situations. You know, like with dogs.

Anyway, my peeps got to try out the bokken last night. They learned some of the basics of striking properly and defending your center. Looks like fun, but we'll clearly have to expand the discipline to include a "mouth grip" for The Dawg. En Garde!

Yep, I'm a natural. Ever think maybe this stuff was invented by dogs? Is it just a coincidence that the uniform is called an "Aikidogi"? I think not.

Not-So-Lone Ranger

2009-05-23T23:14:00.002-05:00

Why is the Lone Ranger called "Lone" if he always has his Indian friend Tonto with him?

Am I the only one that doesn't get this?

Toy of Great Density

2009-05-23T23:11:00.002-05:00

So, I got this toy. It bounces in unpredictable directions. It floats. It's got handles for playing tug-of-war. I can chew on it all day and it comes back for more.

My peeps call it the "Toy of Great Density" because it's kind of heavy, and because I like to drop it on their feet when they're not wearing shoes. Pretty funny.

They had their revenge, though. Some of the handles are hollow, so they stuck a dog treat in one and I've been trying to get it out for three weeks. Not so funny.

Crap

2009-05-22T18:48:00.000-05:00

Hey, we're really just talkin' about predigested food, aren't we? I mean, it's got all your basic nutrients (vitamins, minerals, etc.), plenty of smell, and somebody else has already done all the work. It's nature's perfect snack.

Maybe you should think about that before you criticize. Just maybe, The Dawg ain't so dumb after all.

Besides, you claim you have to eat it all the time, but I never see you with any in your mouth. What's up with that?

Tater Dawg

2009-05-21T15:29:00.001-05:00

Man, I love me some taters. It all got started one day when I snuck one from an open bag in the kitchen floor. I didn't know what it was, but it was a little dirty and smelled some, so what's not to love?

Anyway, I tried chewin' on it, and found it was mighty tasty! Better'n bones, even! And crunchy, too!

My peeps thought it was pretty funny, me gnawin' on a raw tater like that. Started callin' me "Tater Dawg" and slippin' me one as a treat now and then.

Don't take me long to put one away, neither. Taters is good for Dawgs.

Progress

2009-05-20T19:03:00.000-05:00

At what point in man's evolution did he start wiping his ass?

The Path Begins

2009-05-19T09:14:00.002-05:00

Two of my peeps start Aikido training this week. Naturally, The Dawg is not invited. Do I smell, or what?

This Aikido stuff looks pretty cool, though. The emphasis appears to be on blending with the attacker's movements and controlling the flow of the encounter, resulting in a throw, joint lock, and/or pin. Seems more sophisticated than simple strikes and blocks, requiring more timing and agility but less physical strength. Ideal for law enforcement training, since the focus is on control rather than destruction. One also learns to deal with weapons and multiple attackers.

I'll report more on this as my peeps' training progresses. Hey, there goes the cat - time to practice my shihonage. See ya later.

Horses, Shmorses

2009-05-18T19:27:00.001-05:00

We got horses at our place. Personally, I don't get the fascination.

They don't do anything but stand around and eat grass. Damn things can't even bark. And they run like hell if you shake the bushes (heh, heh).

My peeps are all over it though. It's like, feed the horses, water the horses, brush the horses, ride the horses, look at the pretty freakin' horses. Horses, shmorses.

What about The Dawg? Yesterday, I chased off two salesmen, babysat the kids, kept the birds out of the garden, and helped corral the horses too.

Didn't even get a Scooby Snack. Go figure.

Rising Cat Butts

2009-05-18T09:05:00.001-05:00

How come cats' butts go up when you pet them?

Fix This

2009-05-16T23:52:00.000-05:00

Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?

Poof, You're a Programmer

2009-05-16T23:50:00.000-05:00

One of my peeps is a computer programmer. He thinks he's pretty smart.

Big deal, I say. The way I see it, first you ask yourself "How would I do this without a computer?" Then, just have the computer do it the same way. Poof, you're a programmer.

Am I right, or what?

Evolutionary Dead End

2009-05-15T18:29:00.003-05:00

I'm tellin' ya, cats are freakin' psycho. Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm The Dawg, but it's not just me.

Look at this if you don't believe it.

Okay, but these are real.

What are you, some kind of cat-lover?

The Dawg Blog

2009-05-14T22:43:00.003-05:00

So, what's with the eyebrow? Is it so hard to believe? Hey, everybody's got an axe to grind these days, so why not The Dawg? There I was, just staring at that funny box and droolin' with the family as usual (you wouldn't believe how much time we spend doin' that), when it hit me: On the Internet, Nobody Knows You're a Dawg.

Okay, not a particularly earth-shattering revelation, I know, but it occurred to me that if people take stuff like this or this seriously, maybe they'll even listen to what The Dawg has to say.

And I've got stuff to say, you know? Questions that need to be asked. Things that need to be pointed out. Like that. From The Dawg's perspective.

Stay tuned.